HAH!
Assalamualaikum.
Being a kid, it was normal to have those sky-high ambitions that seems so possible. Back then, impossible was not in my dictionary (one reason was probably due to my deprivation of vocabulary) Growing up, the word impossible and reality starts to get in the way of my dreams. As I am can be quite optimistic, I'd just take that as my quality of being reasonable.
Ive experienced a lot of change of mind throughout my 17 years; indecision is in my nature, but one thing that stuck was my ambition to be an Architect.
...and that brings us to why I'm here. No, I am not trying to entertain you because as you see, this blog have not been updated for ages, and if I were to entertain you I'd put up funny pictures and all those shiz. It's midnight, and I'd rather sleep. But unfortunately, my worries and confusion started to kick in. I'd be so high right now it those were drugs. So what I'm doing? No, I'm not going to crap about the AH1N1 reaching to 93 cases and killing a girl. No, I'm not going to rant about the extended holiday that had affected my Autism Awareness Programme. I'm going to express my confusion here. YEAY! How exciting!
I've spent my first week of holiday with an Attachment at JKR. It was a really great experience and everyone was so friendly and helpful. Thats one thing I didn't expect. The staffs were amazingly warm. The Architects were so helpful and generous, I must say. I've learnt, A LOT. And I mean so so much despite the time period. But unfortunately, I failed to achieve my main aim; to come up with a finalised decision on whether Architecture was for me or not. Darn. So I guess indecision wins again.
“We are not designing the building, we're designing the people; what we want them to experience when they enter the bulding”- Architect Shukri.
Those are the wise words. I love love loveeeeeeee how architects manipulate and design the feeling, the experience of the people entering one room. I love how my adrenaline rushed throughout my body when witness such a wonderful architectural creation. I loveeeeeee nice things. I love to see nice things. I love to feel the different textures, experience different smells. (and this just made me notice that I dont use much of my hearing sense compared to the others -.-'). Plus these Architects get to escape the boring world of office life since they have to visit the sites frequently. (and this is really one of the top traits of my career selection)
My greatest ambition is to design and build my own house. Creating the feeling I want to live in, the feeling I want my loved ones to feel.
So what's there to confuse about when I'm so passionate about these things?
I just think its too much for me. The work loads. The constant stress. 3 days without sleep. The unappreciative nature of Bruneians towards these beautiful Architectural creations (one of the reasons why you see Brunei lacks innovative buildings, because apparently, only small amounts of the government expenditure is proportioned for buildings, yes, 20 million isn't that much. Plus, there's always those limitation). One main reason would be because I don't want my work to define me. And I think I'm quite a laid back person so I'd want a job as such.... and I'm family-oriented, so I wouldn't want my job to occupy so much of my time.
And this has got me thinking,
maybe,
just maybe,
Architecture isn't for me.
Maybe I was in denial. I was in the shadow of who I wanted to be. In the shadow of my childhood dream. Maybe I'm too afraid to admit it.
Maybe art isn't in me anymore. Maybe I've lost that talent. Maybe I'm too afraid to admit it because admitting to that would make me feel like a part, a large significant part of my childhood would be erased. Because art was significant. Was. WAS?
Gila deep. HAHAHA
I feel like, I should venture into the business world. I feel like that is the one. Because even if I do fail, I think I could still survive eventually.. on my own. I just think, with this, I can still afford an Architect to design me a house the way I want myself and my loved ones to feel. I can still escape the office world(though not as much as an Architect). I can still push myself to create innovative ideas, do enough social networking before I go on my own, I might have higher chances of traveling, and of course, witnessing the beautiful architectural and culinary creations which I love so dearly. And yes, I might not sleep for 3 days as well.
I just feel. Im not sure. I feel.
And what I feel, just hit me about an hour ago.
So who knows if this is just an a few hours/days thing.
My point is,
for the past one hour,
I think,
I'm going to go for Business.
Does that mean I'm going to give away my long life dream just like that?
. . . i hope there is some way i could tweak the dream a little to reach my satisfaction.
Izzaty Amanina.
F n V
Ingat pose yang aku/kami majal buat atu?
Rugged ah?